It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. My boss keeps pulling on my ponytail
I started a new part-time job at a restaurant a few months ago. I like it, for the most part, and I like the managers. But one of them, Phil, has a rather odd habit. He semi-regularly tugs (hard!) on my ponytail, which I am required to wear by policy and sanitation standards. The context of when he does it comes across as playful/friendly, for example when saying hello upon first seeing me that day or while laughing after I made a joke. I was extremely shocked the first time it happened and thought I’d gotten my hair caught on something before Phil made a comment (it was a “hi, nice to see you” hair tug as while I was passing through the kitchen).
This has happened six times since I started in March, which now that I write that down seems excessive for my short tenure and part-time status. I don’t know how to go back and reset this completely bananas boundary without it making things awkward. I suspect he doesn’t realize how hard he’s pulling and would at least be more gentle if I asked him to be, but I also think he’d be offended if I asked him to stop all together. I’ve definitely heard him complain about other staff members behind their backs, although usually for justifiable work reasons that I’ve seen firsthand, so maybe he’d take it in stride and I’m just catastrophizing. The power dynamics and gender roles make it feel so daunting to bring up. Do you have any suggestions?
Hopefully you’re just catastrophizing, because someone who takes offense to being asked to stop causing someone else physical pain … would be a serious problem as a human, let alone as your boss. Right now, though, there’s no reason to think Phil will take offense to a perfectly reasonable request. The fact that he complains about other employees’ work means he’s indiscreet (and maybe sucks at managing people), but not that he’s a bully who will ignore a direct request to stop pulling your hair.
(Of course, one could argue that the fact that he’s pulling your hair at all means he’s a problem — that’s not okay behavior — but if I’m reading your letter correctly, he thinks it’s playful and being well-received. Which is bad judgment, but not inherently the sign of a bully.)
So, the next time he does it: “Ouch! That really hurts — please stop.”
That’s the soft version. If Phil is a decent person, he’ll be mortified that he hurt you and will stop.
If the soft version isn’t enough to stop the hair-tugging, move to “Stop touching me.” Say it in a serious tone and don’t soften it with a smile. You need to remove any ability for him to read it as playful jesting in return; make it clear you mean it.
Assume that will take care of it. If it doesn’t, there’s a bigger problem with Phil — but so far, we have every reason to assume that simply telling him to stop will take care of it.
I do want to flag that there might be a bigger issue playing out on your side: you’re concerned you might offend someone if you ask them to stop causing you physical pain. Any chance you tend to be overly deferential to people with power, or to men, or to some other dynamic in play here? Because that’s not something you should ever need to worry about without the person giving you a specific reason to fear it.
2. My boss hates babies, and I’m pregnant
I have a good relationship with my boss and we work closely together. They are very staunchly child-free, which I have no issue with, but they have shared some very anti-baby/anti-mother sentiments that have made me worried about how they will react to my news. As a specific example, when another member of our department said they will never have kids, my boss responded “oh good, I hate kids!” My boss has also made comments about how pregnant people are always making excuses and are lazy.
I’m early in my first trimester and am not telling anyone yet, but when I eventually have to say something, I’m worried about how my boss will react. I have tried to lay the groundwork over the past year of mentioning that my husband and I will “eventually” have a child so the announcement won’t be a huge shock. Do you have any advice on how to break the news? No one in my department has kids, so I don’t have anyone to turn to for advice. To clarify, I don’t think my boss would become retaliatory, I’m more worried about making things awkward around the office if I approach this wrong.
You shouldn’t need to walk on eggshells around your pregnancy announcement! So first and foremost, your boss has seriously messed up by creating an environment where people working for them dread announcing a pregnancy. (Particularly those comments about how “how pregnant people are always making excuses and are lazy.” First, WTF? Second, great way to create a legal liability for the company if someone happens to bring a pregnancy discrimination claim down the road. Third, WTF?)
Anyway. Sometimes the best way to share news that you think the other person will react to inappropriately is by just proceeding as if of course they will have a normal and reasonable reaction because you trust them to be a normal and reasonable person (even when you don’t). Sometimes that sends cues to the other person about how they need to respond if they wish to be seen as normal and reasonable. Your boss may not be in that group, but it’s a reasonable place to start. So: when you’re ready to announce, don’t tiptoe around it; be matter-of-fact, direct, and cheerful. “I have news I’m excited about. I’m pregnant and due in December. We can talk about my plans for leave closer to that time, but I want to let you and the team know.”
If your boss says anything inappropriate in response, feel free to let your face convey “that was wildly out of line.” Out loud say, “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that. Moving on…” Or even, “For the sake of HR and legal, I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.” But if there’s anything inappropriate from them after that, talk to HR. It’s illegal for your boss to create a hostile workplace based on your pregnancy, and any decent company would be grateful for the chance to know one of their managers is this out of line so they can shut it down.
3. How do I accept praise when I don’t think it’s warranted?
I started consulting after only a couple of years in the workforce once I realised my autism and severe ADHD makes it impossible to hold down a permanent job. This has worked out really well. I specialize in project work and short-term contracts (if it were up to me, I’d never take a role longer than eight weeks). This means I’m not usually anywhere long enough to get really bored and it doesn’t matter that I don’t fit into the office culture.
The last couple of years there have been fewer of these very short-term jobs and less project work available, meaning I’ve been in jobs four or five months at a time. This is definitely long enough to get bored. Once the interest of learning a new job wears off, I stop trying hard at work. I always get things done, but I don’t put any extra effort in.
But my clients keep praising me. Even though the work is easy and I’m not trying very hard. I hate getting praised, especially in front of other people, double-especially when I haven’t done anything to deserve it.
I’m finishing my current contract soon, which will mean a morning tea and the GM talking about how great it’s been to have me. This GM has been so lavish in his praise I’m wondering if I actually have done well; it feels more like the patronizing “Oh well done, aren’t you clever” that adults trotted out when I was 10 and had gotten my coat on without help. But assuming he does mean it, how should I respond? I know I shouldn’t say “It was easy for me” or “But that’s just what you hired me for.” So far, I’ve just said “Thanks” and sat there like a potato. Is that enough? What do the neurotypicals want from me in this situation?
Some options:
- “It was my pleasure.”
- “I’m glad it was helpful!”
- “You’re very welcome.”
- “I was happy to help.”
Any of those will be appropriate and received well.
Also, keep in mind that clients aren’t necessarily thanking you because they think the work was incredibly hard. They’re thanking you because it was very helpful to have you do it.
Related:
I don’t know how to accept compliments graciously
4. I met a candidate’s counteroffer and they asked for even more
I’ve made an offer to a job candidate who is a compromise candidate — not the best in the list of finalists, but the one who makes the most people happy. I’m not fully comfortable with this, but I’m trying to think of the long-term buy-in by my team. All the finalists were deemed acceptable, but the team had strongly conflicting preferences, and this is the person that checks the most boxes for the most people involved in the search and on the team.
My question, though, is about negotiations. I offered a competitive salary. The candidate came back asking for a modest increase. I was able to secure this increase and change the offer to the exact amount they asked for. Instead of accepting the revised offer, the candidate is coming back now asking for more. (I’m fudging the details a bit to keep this anonymous, but they gave a personal reason, along the lines of “my kid is going to college in the fall and I need to make a deposit on their housing fees this summer.” This strikes me as a good reason to want more money, but maybe not the best argument for why someone deserves a higher salary.)
How long is it prudent to continue to negotiate with a lowest-common-denominator candidate that I feel lukewarm about? If someone asks for more, gets it, and then asks for more beyond that, should I continue to entertain these incremental salary request increases? When does a job candidate’s request for a better offer become tantamount to declining an offer?
I wouldn’t continue to negotiate at all. You made an offer, they asked for more money, you came up to the exact amount they asked for. That should be it. Their request for even more makes them look flaky and like they weren’t negotiating in good faith the first time. I’d be hesitant to continue at this point even if they were a great candidate, but for someone you’re already lukewarm about? The only reasonable answer is, “We’re not able to go up any further. If the offer doesn’t work for you, I of course understand.”
Also, if you’ll be the person managing this hire, you should make the final decision on who you think will perform best in the role. Absolutely take other people’s input into account, but if you’re the one ultimately responsible for their success, you’re the one who should make the call you think is right.
5. Interview identity flub
I was recently in a second (and final) round interview on Zoom for a team lead position at the parent organization for my field, and when the interviewer put a long, multi-part question in the chat I saw that there was another candidate’s name listed in the title of the Zoom meeting!
I am in a very small and tight-knit field (there are about a thousand of us total in the U.S. and Canada), so I’m familiar with this other candidate (who has a unique not Jane Smith-y name).
Because it happened mid-interview, I feel like a floundered a bit on my next answer, sort of waiting to see if anyone else in the interview (three interviewers) was going to acknowledge what was there. They never did, and I re-centered eventually and moved on.
Should I have said something in the moment when it was throwing me for a loop? Or after the fact? Or is this one of those things that it’s most polite to just pretend isn’t happening? I have no doubt it was just a copy/paste error when creating the calendar invite for my interview, but I keep second-guessing myself about my decision to just ignore it. (And, if this context matters at all, this is a very relationship-oriented field with high expectations around collegial behavior and interaction.)
Is there any chance they had a scheduling mix-up and thought you were actually the other candidate? You probably know if this is or isn’t the case — if they called you by your correct name, referenced things that wouldn’t be on the other person’s resume, etc., then they know you are you and not the other person. And in that case, it’s just a clerical error, like that someone copied over the info from the other candidate’s interview when setting up yours and forgot to change it. That’s no big deal and doesn’t require you saying anything.
On the other hand, if looking back you realize that absolutely nothing was said that couldn’t have been said to Morgana Bumbleberry too, then ideally you would have confirmed in the moment — “I just want to make sure you know I’m Nicolina Warbleworth, despite the name on the screen.”
