A reader writes:
I recently took a couple of weeks off work because of a work-stress-related mental breakdown, and came back today. Our project is a nightmare — toxic culture, inexperienced leadership, over-budget, understaffed.
Brian, our project manager and my grandboss, is responsible for a lot of the problems. He also can’t manage the members of our team who underperform (he has no clue what everyone below him does all day) or the ones who fly off the handle (yelling, slamming doors, walking out of meetings). I’m not the only one who’s one bad day away from resigning on the spot. It’s the perfect storm, and I was on a slow spiral for months until I snapped.
Brian pulled me aside today to “make sure you’re doing okay.” I answered that I was on the mend, and am keeping an eye on my mental health and implementing some strategies I’m working out with my psychologist. For example, taking regular breaks, and working 7am-5pm only (standard hours in my industry). I’d already had a meeting with my line manager, Sarah, to sort out workload priorities to make sure the critical work got done. Sarah is really happy with my performance, and she supports my recovery and boundaries.
Brian was shocked and insisted that I work overtime (unpaid — I’m exempt). He believes he’s been generous by “letting” the team to leave by 5:15pm and hadn’t mandated Saturdays (an old school industry norm, but definitely not the norm now), so I should “put in the hours” now. He insisted that I wasn’t performing and if I don’t work through to the evening, I risk pushing his project deeper into distress. He’s expecting everyone to “step up because the company and client will expect it” and “nobody is bigger than the project.” This is wildly out of step with our company culture/values.
I flatly told Brian that I’m not planning on slacking off, but I’m planning on managing my health. Working more hours won’t solve the project’s problems, and I’d just had a breakdown because of overwork and chaotic management. If he wants me to sacrifice my health, I’ll quit. I asked him to speak to Sarah if there are any issues with this. He did this afternoon, and Sarah was supportive of everything we’d agreed to and told him he was being ridiculous and to butt out.
I don’t know where to go from here. I’m expecting Brian to retaliate somehow. Sarah, my actual boss, is happy with my performance and doesn’t want me sticking around late for the sake of it — she wants me healthy so I can do my job. I have a mentor within the company, but he’s national head of our department (my great-great grandboss), and he’s already on Brian’s case about his performance and the project culture, so I feel like that’s breaking chain of command to ask him for advice. I’m hesitant to get HR involved.
The job market is hot for this industry and I could find another job tomorrow, but I really want to stick it out because I’ve worked hard on this project and want to see it out. I just think Brian’s being completely unreasonable, and while I’m happy to quit I want to try something else first.
If you’re confident that you could find another job tomorrow, you have a lot of power here. Knowing you could easily get another job means you don’t need to feel pressure to compromise on your health or the hours you’re willing to work.
I don’t know that there’s anything you need to do right now. It sounds like Sarah has your back and made it clear to Brian that she’s happy with your work and he needs to leave you alone.
Of course, Brian is Sarah’s boss, so I don’t know if he’ll actually accept that or not. But you probably have a good idea of how much capital and influence Sarah has, what her dynamic is with Brian, and how willing or unwilling he is to overrule her — and those things are likely to play a role in what, if anything, happens next.
At this point, it likely makes sense to just wait and see. If Brian backs off, great. If he doesn’t, you’re willing to walk. Also great.
A few things I might disagree with from your letter: First, it’s not necessarily a bad idea to have a discreet conversation with your mentor. You said you’re worried about breaking chain of command, but (a) this is your mentor, so that’s less of a concern than it would be if you never talked to each other, and (b) since he already has significant concerns about Brian, he’d probably be pretty interested in hearing that Brian is actively in the process of messing up something additional. Second, it might also be wise to loop HR in — not in the “I’m here to complain about Brian” sense, but as a way to ensure the steps you’re taking to manage your health are documented (and possibly officially sanctioned, which could make it harder for Brian to give you a hard time about it).
Last, this part: “I really want to stick it out because I’ve worked hard on this project and want to see it out.” That’s understandable, and it’s a normal thing to feel if you’re conscientious and invested in your work. But you also just had a breakdown related to work stress, and you describe the culture you’re returning to as a toxic mess, and one where you’re worried about retaliation for protecting yourself. Your mental health is more important than seeing out a project. Don’t get so focused on “must stay” that you miss signs that you’d be better off leaving.
